So, Why Is Bondage so Sexy?
Why do people like being restrained? Years ago, I was a hard NO with all things BDSM. I didn’t understand it. I thought it was all about some asshole trying to control me. I thought the subs were damaged somehow, I was VERY ignorant and very judgmental.
But as with most things in my life, I recognized that having such a strong reaction to something that is consensual and doesn’t have anything to do with me is a sign that I could benefit from some shadow work.
I certainly do not claim to be an expert in any way regarding BDSM, but I did spend a couple of years reading about it and talking with REAL DOMS. Not the idiots on POF or the kink sites. I talked to and read writings written by subs. Suddenly I just started to get it.
There is so much power in surrender. And it requires so much trust. I personally only like small amounts of pain, but I completely get that too. I will save that for a different post.
Like any other kink or sex act, people’s reasons for liking bondage aren’t always the same. We’re all unique and the ways we engage with bondage vary. Bondage can be anything from wearing fluffy handcuffs during sex because it makes you feel playful and cute, to wearing a chastity cage, because you like the denial, or being suspended by a shibari expert because you enjoy feeling like you’re on display.
While motivations vary, there are a few recurring themes that people have mentioned. While I personally do not usually allow my partners to tie me up, I will summarize what I have heard during sessions, at events, and via kink groups I have engaged in.
Releasing Control
Releasing control is perhaps the most obvious reason. Helplessness isn’t a feeling we enjoy in our everyday lives. But in a safe, controlled environment where a safe word can immediately set you free? For some, helplessness can feel cathartic. You’re voluntarily giving up control to partner(s) you trust to take responsibility on your behalf. You are just temporarily unable to do anything. You have no decisions to make, once you finally surrender, you can only feel, thought eventually shuts down. For powerful people, that is a rare experience and feels amazing.
There’s the “darker” appeal of (consensual) helplessness, too. MANY of my clients are turned on by the illusion of being captured or corrupted. In a culture that fear-mongers and shames sexuality, it’s not surprising that some of us fantasize about pleasure being forced on us; if it’s done to us, then we’re not guilty of the transgression. That is my personal opinion based on my observation.
Bondage sex is, of course, consent-based, but role play can lean into fantasies of “forced” pleasure. Having no history of sexual assault, I cannot speak for survivors, but having spoken to some survivors I have learned it be used cathartically and I totally see how and why this works. Obviously, this is not for everyone.
Self-Expression
Bondage can be a vehicle for self-expression. Playing helpless can give participants an “excuse” to submit, struggle, or zone out and enjoy the ride. For people who feel shy about expressing themselves sexually bondage gives them permission to experience things they really want. Obviously, no one needs an excuse to have the kind of sex that they want to have – just the consent of their partner(s) – but internalized shame is difficult to overcome.
Like I once did, many people assume that all bondage is always about control and cruelty. It can be – if that’s how you like to play. But bondage is an activity that doesn’t have an inherent mood. It can be sensual and romantic, like binding a partner with silk sashes and then taking your time kissing them from the top of their head down to the soles of their feet. It can be meditative for both parties when you are creating the binds. whether Shibari or other ties. I have a client that likes bondage, and I can spend a full 15-20 minutes getting him into a particular bind sometimes, and then often 5 minutes to get out of it. I am not skilled in Shibari, but a friend of mine is and he can spend upwards of an hour or more tying his partner. During that time, I have the benefit of silent creativity.
Bondage be playful rough-housing, like putting a leash on a puppy play partner and trying to take them on a walk despite pretend protests. It can be forceful and rough; it can be quiet and non-physical. Bondage can be whatever you and your partner(s) make it.
Photo Credit: @ellavalhallaboudoir