‘Til Death - Part III - Walking Away
In part 1 of this series, I gave my thoughts on commitment and ‘Til Death Do Us Part, in Part II, I had intended to discuss a way out, but many people wanted examples of the agreement I was referring to. I am not sure I did a great job showing examples because it is really such an individual thing. For me, it will be fairly simple. For some, it really needs to be much more detailed.
So what happens when you have been married for 20 years, you are not happy with your current situation, recognize that you are no longer growing individually or as a couple, and then realize you have 40 years of life left? What do you do? Don’t just sit back and wish you had thought of this sooner.
It is not too late to take a look at where you go from here.
In my opinion, this agreement should be looked at annually at least. I would think it warrants a renegotiation at least at every major life event. If you or your partner are resisting this, there is definitely fear involved. A solid couple will not be afraid to examine their relationship.
So, start now, and ask yourself, “how do I want the next 10, 20, 30 years to look?” Where are these things currently lining up in your life and where are they off track?
Talk to your partner and ask them how they want the next 10, 20, 30 years to look. Do these look the same? If so, then it is a matter of finding out if the current path has you arriving in the place you want to be.
If their vision is completely different, maybe it is time to part ways. If their vision is the same, but the current path is not headed to that destination then you have a great opportunity to outline this agreement.
What happens if you find out that you want different things or that you just don’t think you can ever get back to common ground? Is it so bad to just go your separate ways? Can you accept that this is progress vs. failure?
If you are not growing, you are dying.
My hope is that unlike my marriage, you have married a decent human being and could, therefore, agree to lovingly move on. If your partner is angry and spiteful and determined to cause you pain, this is not a reason to stay, it is more of a reason to go. It just might hurt a little more.
Even if your partner is angry, rather than feed that, what if you just offer to take 30 or 60 days to supportively assist each other in the transition. You can allow them to discuss their thought process, their plans, and their ideas. You can help them find a place to live or vice versa. You can give each other a chance to grieve. You can agree not to post it all over Facebook or to tell mutual friends immediately. You could possibly tell mutual friends together in 15 or 20 days. I don’t have all of the answers, I am merely making suggestions for thought.
Don’t let this turn into 60-90-120 days unless that is what you already agreed upon because as we know, it is much easier to live in our comfort zone. Agree to a timeline that forces action and forces both sides to start making a new plan.
I will say that if you are in an abusive situation or living with a narcissist (mentally abusive), then just get out. There is no negotiating, there is no agreement that will be honored, and there is no loving departure. When I left my last relationship I did not agree to this loving separation. I cut it off abruptly and cleanly because he was not capable of this type of conversation. To this day I have not been physically in the same room with him. Please make your decisions mindfully.
You have sooooo many long years of life left, are you going to spend them growing or dying?