Why Do I Stay? -Dissecting A Mundane Conversation with a Narcissist
After being married to one narcissist and then in a committed connection with another, I can spot the red flags and gaslighting VERY quickly now and have no problem removing them from my life. The thing about narcissists are that they are so clever and pre-conditioned to the manipulation that it is absolutely done through the mundane. You often won’t realize it hit you for months, or years even.
I am going to dissect a mundane conversation with a narcissist for you, watch this..
The conversation (totally mundane).
Her at 1pm on Monday: Hey, what are you up to?
Him: Not much, I am going to go take my son to hang out with friends.
Her: Oh, you have your son tonight?
Him: I was going to go to his basketball practice, but I can be persuaded to do something else ;
Her: Okay, well, we had made plans to get together tonight, but that’s okay, it can’t wait.
Him: I didn’t know anything about tonight, we were supposed to do it yesterday if you were available, but let’s do it, let’s hang out tonight.
Facts:
This is a REAL conversation and the screen shot of text messages will indicate that they did have plans and in fact he asked her if she wanted to get together on Monday, then asked if she wanted dinner Monday. It was a very real plan for Monday.
Let’s dissect what was really happening.
Her at 1pm on Monday: Hey, what are you up to? (She has not heard from him yet today, and is unsure if they still have plans- He wants her to be unsure and he wants her to approach him about this)
Him: Not much, I am going to go take my son to hang out with friends. (He is demonstrating that he has not thought about her or the plans at all, she will likely feel a little hurt by this, and then question if she had mixed up the plans)
Her: Oh, you have your son tonight? (if he has his son then she definitely made the mistake because visitations are set nights, he would surely not schedule on a night with his son)
Him: No, she does, I was going to go to his basketball practice, but I can be persuaded to do something else ; (she will feel pretty special about this, he is willing to give up time with his son in order to be with her, BUT she will need to persuade him.. so now she has to prove herself WORTHY of this sacrifice he is willing to make, and of course she should, she messed up and now he has to give up time with his son for her)
Her: Okay, well, we had made plans to get together tonight, but that’s okay, it can’t wait.
(she is still thinking they did make plans, but excusing him because she figures he just forgot about having his son or something so she wants to let him off the hook and not take him from his son)
Him: I didn’t know anything about tonight, we were supposed to do it yesterday if you were available, but let’s do it, let’s hang out tonight.
(He is definitively reinforcing that she is wrong, and not only did he never know about Monday, she also basically stood him up the day before.. she should feel pretty guilty now about THAT. And she now owes him because she totally stood him up yesterday .. but she will feel special that even with her doing something so disrespectful, he is going to change his plans for tonight to spend time with her, if she shows it will be worth it. It is not worth it unless she PERSUADES him remember. )
In his end game, and in most of toxic relationships.. this ends with the girl feeling guilty, but special or maybe lucky, and feeling that HE deserves some promise of extra attention or love that will make up for her being so careless and ultimately dumb. She can’t even keep plans straight, right?
In this particular man’s reality, the girl sent screen shots of the conversation and said no to Monday night or any future night. He definitely tried to throw in some gaslighting for good measure.. and insinuate that she has trouble communicating. Luckily, she sees through him.
Download the Exercise below for more self reflection.