Why I Disagree with ‘Til Death Do Us Part- Part I

Here's the thing about till death do us part. It's a total cop out for the person who's requiring it, and for the person who's accepting the requirement. I am not referring to marriage, I am referring to a vow of “til death do us part”.

I am of the opinion that you are either growing or you're dying. If your relationship is in a place where one of you is refusing to grow or to participate in the growth of the other or of the relationship, why should one be required to stay there and wither away?

Life is long, man. Don’t let a 20 something year old make your life decisions for you.  You could have years left on this earth in your misery. The saying that life is short is bullshit if you are in an unhappy relationship and you have stopped growing in your life. 

The reason I say it is a cop out is that it is like saying that if I do all of the things to win you over and get you to the altar, you have to stay with me no matter what happens after that.

Your partner could have another partner, your partner could stop coming home, your partner could sit on the couch every day and watch TV and not care. Not to mention mental and physical abuse. But that aside, let’s just assume it will be like 70% of the current marriages in the Unites States and it will just stop growing.  Do I really have to stay until I die?

I just think there's a better way to commit to relationships. What about this. I will be here UNTIL I’m not.  I'm going to commit to supporting you and being the best version of me that I can be in support of you for as long as you are doing the same for me or that I feel confident that you will again.

I commit to taking a positive approach to our arguments and disagreements. I commit to not walking out while I'm angry. I commit to giving you a two hour cool off period whenever you asked me to, I commit to not forcing you to talk before you are ready within whatever our set agreement of time is.

But I do not commit to saying here until I die If you are letting me die, or if I feel like I'm letting you die.

If I no longer have the capacity to stay, I won’t and I won’t force you to.

I guess in my mind, I just think that people come into your life, for different reasons in different times, and it's awesome if you can make the most out of that. And if you are feeling the growth and you are feeling the positive changes, then keep working through that and stick with it.

I am definitely not saying the minute you're unhappy, you should leave. I think there's a whole set of relationship terms and agreements you can make that make far more sense than any marriage vow.

I believe that trust agreements are wickedly important. And honoring your trust agreements is so so so important. But, be mindful when you're making those agreements of the actual length of a lifetime.

And, look, I don't want someone here that doesn't want to be here. I want to know every single day that you're here by choice, I don't want you to be here by force, or because a piece of paper has you committed. I want you to be here by choice. And more than that, I want you to be here even though you're independently capable of being somewhere else.

Men, really listen up about this, making women dependent on you is idiotic, it is absolutely idiotic. Wouldn't you rather know that they want you more than they need you?  Just really think about that for just a few minutes. I see this over and over and over and over and over the both sides, One making the other dependent upon them in some way. Now you're just in a codependent relationship.

If given the opportunity, and absolutely, there was no dependency would you walk away?  I'm telling you, I hear it all the time.. Many people would just walk away. They're stuck, they're miserable. Why put yourself through that?  

Don't settle down and tie yourself up until you are absolutely independent by yourself.  You should want that for your partner, set up your life so that you can be independent. This is not only financial independence, but also be emotionally whole.  Don’t look for a partner to complete you. If you have to be alone for a weekend, just be sure you can get by without needing to be in constant communication. Be able to think for yourself for a day, make your own food, pick your own clothes, make decisions.

I have some external conflicts in my world because I am innately attracted to masculine, dominant men. But I don’t NEED them to make decisions for me. I just LIKE them because I don’t have to make decisions for them, and I particularly like them in my sex life.  It creates pure havoc when you have a job like mine.  Men like the idea of me far more than the reality of me, but that is a whole other post.

For any current relationship of mine or potential future partner just know I am 100% okay without you. I will never ever change that for myself. And I will never commit till death do us part. At the same time, I'm extremely loyal and I know that it's important to support your partner and work through trouble.

I know that sometimes you may not have the capacity to help me and you will need me instead, and vice versa.  This past weekend I had a tough weekend and was alone in a situation where I couldn’t really offer much support to anyone, but did need that for me. That happens, the problems arise when it is out of balance.

I also know I'm going to be disappointed. I know I'm going to disappoint you. I know I'm going to make mistakes. I know that I'm going to be angry. I know for sure I will make you angry (and it will probably be work related). I know we're going to fight. But I know that I'm not going to break any trust agreements deliberately for sure. That should be enough to be worth being in the relationship. But if at any time, I'm dying instead of growing, then I'm going to move on from the relationship. I can let you go lovingly. And hopefully you can do the same.