Masculinity

Ready for an unpopular opinion? If you follow me, you are used to it. Masculinity is NOT toxic and if I hear the phrase toxic masculinity one more time, I think I am going to scream.

It took me so long to name this post, I tried so many combinations. I could not even bring myself to put the word toxic in the title next to the word Masculine.

Wikipedia defines toxic masculinity this way:  

adherence to traditional male gender roles that consequently stigmatize and limit the emotions boys and men may comfortably express while elevating other emotions such as anger. It is marked by economic, political, and social expectations that men seek and achieve dominance (the " alpha male ").

Keep in mind that anyone can contribute to Wikipedia, so it is not an indication of accuracy, but more of popular opinion. 

This definition implies that adherence to traditional male gender roles is inherently bad. That it is toxic. It also implies that being an alpha male prevents you from having/showing emotions other than anger. For the love of all things holy, please take a minute to think about that.

The following is another definition I found online:

Toxic masculinity involves the need to aggressively compete with and dominate others and encompasses the most problematic proclivities in men. These same male proclivities foster resistance to psychotherapy.

So basically, the idea is that toxic masculinity refers to the notion that some people’s idea of being a man perpetuates domination and aggression.

This, my friend, is not what happens when one is masculine, it happens when one is an asshole.

Being toxic, narcissistic, controlling, manipulative, aggressive, unable to handle emotion, angry, etc. are issues that either of our 2 gender choices could have. This is not exclusive to men, just as masculinity is not exclusive to men.  In my observation and my opinion, we have more masculine women than we have ever seen in history and it is causing us to also have feminine, insecure men at an alarming rate.

We all have both masculine and feminine inside of us. In partnerships those things MUST balance between the partners. If a woman is more masculine (not in looks, but energetically), then the man will become more submissive and feminine energetically, and vice versa. They MUST balance or the relationship will not be successful. 

I CRAVE a masculine alpha male. They can think for themselves, they make decisions, they aren’t afraid to have an opinion, they aren’t afraid to hear someone else’s opinion, they are confident enough to change their mind, but they don’t do it out of fear of a fight. They also know themselves. They never feel like they are done learning or becoming better. Alpha men are fully capable of violence if needed to protect someone, but they also have no need to demonstrate that or to show you that when there is no REAL threat.  (A real threat is not a threat to their ego). A true alpha male is probably the quietest person in the room. He is observing and assessing most likely.

Jordan Peterson says “A harmless man is not a good man. A good man is a dangerous man who has that under control”. 

I agree.  If you are incapable of violence or aggression and are never violent or aggressive, then that is not virtue.  You can’t claim credit for restraint over something you aren’t capable of.

My closest friend, who incidentally is a male person, completely confuses alpha male with someone who will be telling me what to do and controlling me. In my experience the same misunderstanding is extremely common among my non alpha male clients.   Alpha males just embody certain traits with no need to ever say it.  If you ever hear a man say he is an alpha male, he isn’t.

I don’t need a man telling me what to do or giving me permission for anything, but I also do not need to give a man permission to do what he wants to do either.  I don’t want him asking me permission to go out with his friends or to go to the gym.

Peterson also reminds us to really think about the destruction that weak men are capable of.  Acts of violence are not committed by strong men, they are committed by the weak.

Weak, insecure, repressed men will be jealous, needy, dependent men who will never be able to really thrive, much less help a partner reach their full potential.

I, for one, welcome masculinity. Traditional gender roles are not toxic or negative. Toxicity is not gender specific.  Show me your toxic males and I will show you Either 1. Someone with personality/mental health issues or 2. Someone who lives an unexamined life. (or both)